No, You’re Gonna F*ck Me

Lovers Lane Review

Lovers Lane

When I was in high school, I spent pretty much every weekend at the local video stores staring at cover art, just searching for that new classic. I would stock up on three or four titles and rush home with high hopes of tits and gore. I held one movie in really high regard back then, even though my friends insisted it was far from a classic. Jon Steven Ward’s film, Lover’s Lane, was something I just refused to let die. Unfortunately, the video store went out of business and my memories faded. All I could remember was it. was. awesome!

So last weekend when I happened upon a used copy of it for dirt cheap, I couldn’t help but get excited. Once I got home, I just had to revisit it. It was a classic, I just knew it was. After all, the 14-year-old version of me had never been wrong about anything… right? Wrong! This movie is atrocious, I’m not sure what attracted me to it when I was younger, although the theory I’ve come up with is… nudity. There’s quite a bit of it. However, the film is ridiculously grainy and under lit.

The cover boasts that Anna Faris of Scary Movie fame stars in it, which is hardly the case. However, many movies have been known to redo cover art once an unknown actor who played a minor part becomes a big deal and some stars get a tad upset over it.

This movie is really nothing special — most of the kills are off-screen, the script is laughable, and not one of the characters is likeable. Films like Friday the 13th thrive on these cookie cutter characters, but at least succeed in making them somewhat enjoyable to watch on-screen. The kids in Lovers Lane are completely obnoxious, wretched people. The killer is also boringly standard. This film is as cliché as they get, my friends.

It was a cool little find for me and I held it in high regard, but it simply doesn’t cut it. If you are in the mood for a petty imitation, you can still do better than this one. However, if I’ve piqued your curiosity with how bad it is, you can actually scoop it up on Amazon for less than $10.

You’ve been warned. I personally give this one .5 sucker punches out of 5.

2 Responses to No, You’re Gonna F*ck Me

  1. Mathijs Pluijmen says:

    Only .5 out of 5 .. That’s one of the lowest scores I ever seen on repulsivereviews. I pass

  2. Geof Miller says:

    Our target audience was 14-year-olds so thanks for being there for us! Anna was great to work with–her audition was great, you could tell what she was thinking without her saying a word. Glad you enjoyed it back in the day–there are a bunch of films I loved as a kid that I’m afraid to go back to now.

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